You're On Your Own (But I'm Here if You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years - Softcover

Chapter One: A Summer of Change

Making the Most of the Months Before College Begins

Every year, as a new group of high school graduates and their parents watch the calendar pages turn toward September, emotions begin to churn. Mothers and fathers who were filled with pride when the college acceptance letters arrived a few months ago will soon find themselves wondering, "How can this kid possibly succeed in college? He can't even get out of bed in the morning by himself."

Students who are convinced that they belong at the college of their dreams are equally convinced a day later that they will never fit in: "I think the school made a mistake when they accepted me. I was probably the last person they picked, and I'm going to be the stupidest person on campus. Besides, I don't have the right clothes. No one will like me. It's just not going to work."

For these students and their parents, the issue is clear: Everything is changing. The excitement and anticipation that peaked in late spring turns to chaos during the "senior summer." Recent graduates are rejecting curfews and failing to show up for family meals, defending their freedom by explaining, "In a couple of months, you won't ever know what I'm doing."

Meanwhile, parents are failing in their efforts to maintain peace in the family. Bickering among brothers or sisters reaches new heights. One parent or the other is locked in conflict with the child. Parents listen to their child's unending complaints about the community and the small-mindedness of the neighbors, and they begin to long for the day when they can finally take this miserable, unhappy kid to college. A minute later, they berate themselves for such thoughts, saying, "I know I'll miss her!"

What's a parent to do? Advice flows in from every direction, but each suggestion seems to conflict with at least one other:

"Give them space." "No, set clear boundaries."

"Make sure you talk about the critical issues." "Don't try to review a lifetime of lessons in one short summer."

"Tell them you'll miss them." "Don't lay a guilt trip on them about leaving."

The whole family has been planning for college for years, but now parents can't keep from wondering if it's what they all really want. When changes are pending, emotional flare-ups are a natural reaction. The challenges are to identify the real issues as they occur and to recognize what each of the various members of the family is feeling.

Making Decisions: Whose Responsibility Is It?

Any eighteen-year-old will react fiercely to parents who ask to see his mail or who want to read the e-mail message that just arrived. Any parent, however, who is facing the prospect of paying for college needs to know that all the paperwork is filled out correctly and on time. So whose job is it to make sure the college mail is opened, the forms are completed, and each of the tasks on the to-do list is checked off? With all the information that arrives each week from various campus offices, who is sorting through the mail and keeping track of deadlines and details? And ultimately, who has the final say in the decisions these mailings require?

From your student's standpoint, these forms will affect the most basic aspects of college life: Will she live in a single room, a double, or a suite? How many meals each week will he eat in the dining center? Should he move into an all-freshmen hall or one with upperclassmen? Students think their parents are encroaching on their personal space when they check the mailings and tell their children how to fill out the forms.

From the parents' perspective, these decisions will affect the family finances, in some cases for years to come. As the parent, maybe you see some pitfalls in selecting an all-freshmen dorm or in choosing a hall with no quiet hours, and you want to help your child avoid the potential problems. Parents feel more urgency about meeting deadlines and more caution about answering the questions completely and thoroughly. They want to make certain everything is done "right," and they want to know how these decisions will affect their child and the family.

When Jeremy opened the application from the college housing office, he didn't think twice about what kind of room he wanted. He wanted a single. Like many college students today, he had always had his own bedroom. After reading the housing application instructions, he quickly filled out the form and gave the papers to his mother so that she could write out a check for the deposit fee. The first thing she noticed, though, was that his single-room selection would cost several hundred dollars more than a double. A triple or a four-person suite would be even more economical.

"Jeremy, you marked down that you want a single room. You didn't even talk to us about this. You don't seem to understand how much it's going to cost for you to go to college. You can't just pile up expenses without consulting us. I think you should consider one of these other choices," his mother said.

Jeremy had plenty of reasons why he would be better off living in a single. He would study better if he were by himself, he said. He needed quiet to concentrate on his homework. He needed his sleep. What if his roommate turned out to be one of those people who wanted to party all the time? What if his roommate wanted to watch television or listen to music until all hours of the night?

In fact, there were other factors at play for both Jeremy and his mother. In addition to the financial impact of the decision, Jeremy's mother was worried that her son might not make friends easily. He had never been particularly outgoing, and his two good friends from high school were enrolling in different colleges. She was afraid that he would be lonely, and it would be much more difficult to meet people if he lived in a single room. At the same time, Jeremy had his own unspoken concern. He had never mentioned it to his parents, but on an overnight band trip the previous year, he was teased unmercifully about his snoring. He didn't want roommates complaining all year that his snoring was keeping them awake.

When they talked through the issues, Jeremy and his mother acknowledged that there were personal and financial complications of this seemingly simple decision. They set the form aside for a few days and agreed to give it some more thought. Jeremy's mother made a call to the nurse at their clinic, who suggested that nasal strips from the drugstore might reduce the snoring. In a moment of enlightenment, Jeremy agreed to a four-person, two-bedroom suite on the grounds that he would have good odds of being matched with at least one other snorer. At any rate, in a quad, he had a one-in-three chance of finding a roommate who was a heavy sleeper. And, as it turned out, Jeremy's roommate was a sound sleeper who went to bed earlier than Jeremy. There were never any complaints about snoring.

Not all paperwork decisions end quite so well, though. Many students, caught up with the closing events of high school or the first lazy days of summer, set the mail aside, figuring they'll get to it later. As the papers pile up, critical responses filter to the bottom of the stack and deadlines are missed.

One afternoon, Melanie was talking with a coworker who mentioned that his daughter was scheduled for orientation the following week. Melanie's son was going to the same college, but he hadn't said anything about orientation. That evening, Melanie asked her son about his orientation schedule, and he said he was sure he had "some brochure or letter about that" in his room. She went with her son to look for the schedule and discovered a small mountain of envelopes and forms from the college.

"What is all this? I didn't even know you were getting these things -- letters about financial aid, orientation, testing dates. Have you responded to any of this?" she asked.

College mail is addressed to the student. Parents don't always see what arrives, and the only way you will know what needs to be done is if your student tells you. Because federal law recognizes college students as adults, the information goes to the student, no matter who will be paying the bills. From a parent's viewpoint, this might seem absurd; from a developmental view, it makes sense. Students are facing a significant transition as they prepare for college, and they need to begin assuming responsibility.

For Melanie's son, the situation was not as hopeless as she feared -- there was a late orientation session he could register for -- but he needed to learn some organizational skills. He had an idea of what information had arrived. He just had not yet developed a system for managing records. In a single evening, his mother helped him sort through the pile of mail, using a highlighter to mark dates and a calendar to note deadlines, and he learned a quick and simple lesson on how to keep his paperwork organized.

With each passing week, your child's anxiety and doubts will intensify. All the forms and letters that are pouring in can seem daunting to a prospective freshman. Every piece of mail is asking for some kind of decision. Some of those decisions are simple, but students might not be certain whether it makes sense to order season football tickets, sign up for fraternity rush, or buy a bus pass that's good for the whole year. Students want to make the choices themselves, but they believe it's critical to make only the right choices. Any mistakes feel like clear proof that they're inept.

This is your chance to provide guidance while empowering your student to make responsible choices. Let your child know that you are willing to talk about the choices she's making, but give her authority to make most of the decisions. Let her know if you want a voice on issues that affect finances. If you are worried about health and safety, ask your student to keep you posted on these topics. Tell her she may eventually wish that she had chosen differently, but that will not mean she made a mistake. She is making her decisions based on the information available now.

Checklist for Record Management

Parents and their student can be overwhelmed by all the mailings that come from college during the summer before the freshman year. Which ones require responses? What are the deadlines? When are payments due? A few simple tools and organizational skills will make life easier now and will give your child a start in record management for the college years.

Accordion File or File Box, Filing Cabinet, or Fireproof Box

Students will need separate file folders for:

• Housing records

• Finances (tuition and fees information, scholarship and financial aid awards, receipts from orientation, billing for residence hall and dining plan, textbook receipts)

• Health (immunization records, insurance numbers, name and phone number of home clinic or physician, dental information, pharmacy prescriptions, lens prescription)

• Academic information (academic counselor's name and contact information, registration records, lists of graduation requirements, course requirements)

• Computer information (helpline numbers, software support information, e-mail addresses)

• Auto insurance, repair records, and parking information (for commuter students or students who have a car at school)

Highlighter and Calendar or Planner

When a mailing arrives, the student should read it and then determine what action the letter or form is requesting. The student can mark deadlines on the calendar, along with any fees or costs due.

Talk to your child about how detailed the filing system should be; you may agree that information could be separated into more specific categories. Academic information can be further segmented into course planning, career planning, advising records, and transcripts or grade reports. For a first-year student who is unaccustomed to managing records, simpler is better. The more detailed the filing system, the more sections he will have to search when looking for records later -- "Did I file that housing bill under 'Housing,' 'Finances,' or 'Contracts'?" As students gain experience, they should be able to handle increasingly complex record keeping.

Second Thoughts -- What If Your Child Is Just Not Ready for College?

In some cases, those piles of unanswered or unopened college mail are a sign that a student is not ready for the independence of college life. Some students genuinely need another six months, a year, or even longer to reach a level of maturity to handle the responsibilities of independence. Or your student may not know how to tell you he truly doesn't want to go to college.

For these students, as well as for the highly responsible students who want to develop a more thoughtful plan before beginning college, a "gap year" makes sense. Many schools will defer enrollment to allow students to take an extra year between high school and college for work, an internship, or travel. With time to explore interests and draw conclusions about academic and career goals before starting college, students approach their education a year later with more excitement and dedication.

Students begin filling out college applications early in their senior year of high school, and they often make their choices based on the colleges their friends were planning to attend or the school their boyfriend or girlfriend selected. They might choose a college based on a particular career interest. By the next summer, they have a new best friend, their boyfriend is dating someone else, or they have discovered a more compelling career direction. It's too late to apply to another school, but they are rethinking their earlier commitment.

Parents play a critical role in ensuring that students do the right thing at this stage. If it's only a matter of second-guessing or "buyer's remorse," you can assure your child that he does indeed belong at this college. There are good reasons the school sent that acceptance letter. Admissions staff at colleges and universities review applications closely, and they have a good idea of the kind of student who will fit in and succeed at their school. Unless you know that your student has undergone a significant change in interest, motivation, or ability since the applications were filled out, she will most likely be able to succeed at the school that accepted her.

Most recent high school graduates tread a fine but ever-changing line between maturity and irresponsibility. If you see persistent signs that your child is not preparing for school, you need to find out why rather than do the work yourself. It will be a disservice to you and your child if you step in, take care of the paperwork and packing, and send him off when he is not ready or doesn't want to go. As hard as it may be to keep an eighteen- or nineteen-year-old home another year, it can be a better option than sending him off to certain failure.

"Last Time" Syndrome

As you sit at the picnic table in the backyard in mid-July, a wave o...